Regardless of your intent when you criticize someone you are a critic. There are consequences for being a critic. Before you panic know that there is such a thing as appropriate criticism, however it is never constructive. The commonly accepted phrase “constructive criticism” is an oxymoron. Criticism is intended to tear down an objectionable behavior or idea. Criticism is never constructive. Construction takes place before, during and after a criticism is given. It should take place while the behavior in question is beginning to change. Criticism tears down. Construction builds up. They are two separate and opposite behaviors. Think of an elevator, it can take you up or it can take you down but it cannot do both at the same time. Construction takes you up criticism takes you down. Another way to understand the difference between criticism and construction is to imagine remodeling the kitchen. Part of the remodeling process involves demolition. There is a tearing down of that which is not wanted followed by a building or construction of that which is wanted. Until the critic understands the difference between tearing down and building up they will live under the illusion that somehow their criticism is constructive.
Clearly, 99.9% of most criticism is uninspired and based upon an unmet expectations of the critic. It is an eternal truth that 100% of all frustration comes from unmet expectations. If all of your expectations were met you would never be frustrated. Most people deal with frustration by becoming critical of themselves or others. It takes a great deal of self-discipline and self-control not to choose as your first reaction “criticism” when you are frustrated about an unmet expectation. Just because it is normal and natural does not necessarily make it helpful or productive.
Criticism involves a giver and a receiver. Truly, it is easier to give than receive criticism. However, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is criticism in the ear of the one being criticized. Regardless of the intent of the critic that which is most important is how the criticism was given and how it was received in the ear and the heart and the mind of the one being criticized. Most criticism results in contention because the recipient of the criticism seldom separates the criticism from their sense of self-worth. The critical message is received as a rejection of their persona. There is no way to escape the fact that criticism is a message of nonacceptance. The inability of the critic to identify a behavior as nonproductive or counterproductive and at the same time preserve the self-worth of the individual is a necessary skill few have learned to acquire. When a person is subjected to constant and unrelenting criticism their behaviors are predictable. If the one being criticized does not feel valued by the critic, there is little hope of behavioral change. Instead one may expect rebellion, rejection, and rage at both the critical message and the critic. Another eternal truth is that all rage is based in nonacceptance. This means that the raging critic or the raging receiver of the criticism feels they are not valued, appreciated or accepted by another. Relationships are very much like a bank account. There have to be deposits before there can be withdrawals. The assumption that the person being criticized understands or should understand that he or she are loved and valued by the critic is difficult for the recipient of criticism to believe when critical messages outnumber the affirmative messages. The human bank account registers “insufficient funds.” Instead of an overdraft statement for failure to make adequate deposits, the recipient of criticism lives with the frustration that their human relationship account is in a constant state of overdrafts.
When giving a criticism it is important to separate the criticized behavior from the worth of the individual. One of the best ways to accomplish this is by acknowledging to the one being criticized that your criticism of a particular behavior is insignificant when compared to how much you love, accept, and appreciate the good you see in them. However, if your delivery system (how you give your criticism) is not consistent with the message of love, acceptance, and appreciation, you have no credibility. Yelling, crying, and ranting take the focus away from the critical message and places the focus on your emotional state. Communicating a criticism when you are angry and emotionally upset is the most counterproductive way to criticize. Because of a lifelong tradition and family background of only communicating a criticism when in an emotionally upset state of mind, it is more productive to write down the criticism where it can be evaluated independently from the tone of voice and the body language of the critic.
Many people live under the illusion that by showing intense anger it will change the human behavior of another. True behavioral change occurs from the inside out and not by coercive outside pressure. The angry critic may believe that he or she is changing behavior by showing the one who is criticized how upset it makes them, but the truth is the behavior of the one being criticized generally doesn’t change, it just goes underground. There is a difference between outward performance and how one behaves in front of another and true change. “When the cat is away the mouse will play.” The critic will often misinterpret conformity for true behavioral change.
The wise parent, spouse, or person will be sparing in their criticisms and more effusive with their sincere compliments. A third eternal truth is that behavior rewarded is behavior repeated. Rewarding positive behaviors by sincere verbal affirmations such as “thank you for,” “I appreciate that,” “you really did a good job at” is essential. The key is it must be sincere or there is no credibility. That is why praise or character enhancement statements are best received when they are very specific. The more concrete the affirmation the better. Instead of saying “Good job,” it is more productive to say, “Billy, you did a good job of cleaning up your room, I noticed you vacuumed and put away all your toys.” “That was a great dinner tonight, I enjoyed all of it but I thought the cranberry pineapple salad was especially good.” “Thank you for turning in that report on time, I can always count on you to be accurate and on time.” These types of sincere and honest compliments are deposits in the bank of human relationships. They establish a foundation that will allow for an occasional criticism to be received. However the way the criticism is given may be more important than the content of the critical message.
In a perfect world it is best to obtain permission to criticize from the one who is going to be criticized. A mother or father could say to a child, “I have something critical I need to talk you about, I can do it now or before you go to bed. It’s important but not as important as you knowing that I love you and appreciate your willingness to receive my counsel.” A wife or husband might say or write in a note, “I have a suggestion and concern I would like to share with you. It is not too painful so let me know when you might be able available to hear it or if you prefer I can text you or write it down. Just know that it is a suggestion and not nearly as important as my love for you.” The message is the worth of the individual is more important than the specific criticism.
The critic, if they hope to be effective, must do more than just vent their frustration. The first question that ought to be asked is this, “Is the criticism I want to share absolutely necessary?” Whether one squeezes the toothpaste or roles it up from the bottom may be a matter of personal preference, but is it necessary to criticize something as insignificant as that? People are much more likely to listen to what you have to say if you are rarely critical. Otherwise you are put into that category of the impossible to please criti-holic who is always upset about something. People turn you off and if you’re observant you will find you have alienated most of those relationships that are the dearest to you. Why? Because you are emotionally unsafe. Even when the criticism is necessary, in your opinion, you need to be prepared for a negative reaction. Think of the prophets. They had a message that was necessary and important to deliver. How were their messages received? Occasionally the people repented. More commonly they were killed. Isaiah was sawn in half, Abinadi was burned at the stake and Joseph Smith was shot by a mob. The Scriptures are filled with counsel to avoid contention. King Benjamin warned beware lest there shall arise contentions among you and ye list to obey the evil spirit…there is a wo [unhappiness and sorrow] pronounced upon him who listeth to obey that spirit [of contention] (Mosiah 2:32)…neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another (Mosiah 4:14). Cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another. (D&C 88:124). The entire 3rd chapter of the General Epistle of James deals with controlling the tongue. Among the choice gems, “If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body… Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell… But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison… But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth… For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work… But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.”
When are we justified in giving criticism? Only when inspired by the Holy Ghost. “Reproving betimes [occasionally] with sharpness [being specific and precise], when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.” (D&C 121:41). Notice that frustration, anger, and being upset are not justifiable motives for being critical or reproving another.